he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
