he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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