i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
