Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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