mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
