You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
