seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
