I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
