I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
