Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize