So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
