I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
