I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
