you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
where are my eyebrows?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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