I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
