my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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