my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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