dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
