allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
