Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
