I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
false alarm. still invincible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So many bounce houses so little time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
