i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
