She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
it hurts more in the daytime
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
