Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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