I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
