We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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