Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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