Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
