My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
