Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
