I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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