i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
