All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You need Xanax blowdarts
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
