the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
