Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
