It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
