You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
