im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
