she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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