ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
