I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
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It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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