sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
