I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
