I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
