Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
