I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
