Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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