i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
