she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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