Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
