He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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