Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
