Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
