Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
