you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
