i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
