This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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