I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
farters have to be the big spoon...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
