i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
