My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
