I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
