His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
